If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.
Christina Martin, London
I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem.
Martin Kristos
It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.
Johnny Pring
I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.
Alan Heath
A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that 'God would make her better.' presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.
M Lovejoy
'She can dish it out, but she cannot take it', I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.
Mrs Pinches, Hereford
I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.
S Prodnipple, Scarborough
So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.
D Antarctica, Rhyll
I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.
Stella Matlock
What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming 'Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!' The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say 'No thanks, I'm diabetic.' I wish they'd get their story straight.
T Potter
Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.
Warren
THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.
Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire
TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied 'I'll tell you when you're older' when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's ****: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown
I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer
I'M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.
A Terrorist
WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray
'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison.
Raymond ****ybollocks
How ridiculous of NASA spending billions of pounds to come up with the non-stick frying pan. In the weightlessness of space, the astronauts' sausages are just going to float right out of the pan. If anything, they should have been developing something to make them stick.
J Boxbury, Norfolk
MFI's new tag line is 'You dream it, we make it'. They are obviously relying on my dreams being mostly about cheap cupboards.
Peter Marwood
I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.
Charles Turner
Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed. What's healthy about that?
Mark J, Barnsley
I went to a house the other day to fix a lady's washing machine, a Zanuss ZWF 161, which kept stopping halfway through the spin cycle. I took it apart, but couldn't for the life of me see what was causing the problem. I realised why when I suddenly remembered that I was not an electrical engineer, but a pensions and savings advisor with the Cheltenham & Gloucester Building Society. How foolish I felt as I tried to put it back together.
Norman Topsoil, Luton
ACCORDING to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of her marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the couple's private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to the public taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had mentioned it in one of her two published autobiographies, A Single Step
and Out On A Limb, or the 'About Heather' section of her website www.heathermillsmccartney.com <http://www.heathermillsmccartney.com/> , or perhaps when she sold her life story to the News of the World in 1993. Perhaps then the public would have got the message and left her to live her life out of the constant glare of publicity.
A Cherry, Leeds
MY HUSBAND plays a joke on me every April Fool's day. Last year I was determined not to be caught out, but lo and behold he tricked me again. Knowing I like cats, he woke me at 3.00am and told me there was a basket of kittens stuck on our chimney. I immediately climbed out of the bedroom window and shinned up the drainpipe onto the roof. When I got
there and saw nothing but the television aerial I realised I had been had.
However, the joke wasn't over. When I got back into the bedroom the cheeky devil had filled my slippers with broken glass. I'm determined he won't get me this year.
Ethel Alcohol, Sutton
I recently bought a fridge freezer from Currys, and after I had paid for it they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I lived between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I might be able to give them a six hour slot when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them that my house was out of stock and they should ring back on Saturday. The shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it, Currys?
DF Kant
I often receive bills saying 'final demand'. But it never is. If anything they start asking me for more money.
Ian Sertname, Brighton le Sands
I'm not surprised Ellen MacArthur's boat went in a great big circle around the world. I've bought lengths of wood from B&Q as well.
T Haliday, Shropshire
Every time I use my local NatWest cashpoint, the screen says 'You have not been charged for this transaction'. Yet when I check my statement, I find without fail that I have had ten pounds debited for every tenner I withdraw. No wonder the banks are raking it in.
Gary Beergut, e-mail
